Self-deception is one of the primary obstacles preventing sex addicts from entering recovery. These lies serve as protective mechanisms, shielding individuals from the painful truths about their behaviors and consequences. Patrick Carnes (2015) identifies common falsehoods that addicts tell themselves, each of which perpetuates denial and delays the critical work of healing. By recognizing and dismantling these lies, individuals can take the first steps toward recovery.

"No one knows or will know"

A common lie that sex addicts tell themselves is, “No one knows or will know” (Carnes, 2015, p. 125). This belief stems from the secrecy that often surrounds sexual addiction. Addicts convince themselves that their actions can remain hidden indefinitely, which perpetuates a double life. However, secrecy intensifies shame and isolates individuals from support systems. Programs like the Sexual Addiction and Betrayal Recovery (SABR) program emphasize the importance of transparency, guiding individuals to confront the truth and embrace accountability.

"I can change behavior by myself"

Another prevalent falsehood is the belief that recovery is a solitary process. Carnes describes this as, “I can change behavior by myself” (Carnes, 2015, p. 125). Many addicts resist seeking help due to fear of judgment or a misplaced sense of self-reliance. However, sexual addiction is complex and deeply rooted, often requiring professional intervention and peer support for meaningful change. Breaking this lie involves acknowledging the necessity of external support and committing to therapeutic processes.

"I can always figure out or force a way to handle problems"

Sex addicts often rely on control strategies to navigate life’s challenges, leading to the self-deception that, “I can always figure out or force a way to handle problems” (Carnes, 2015, p. 125). This belief perpetuates a cycle of denial and destructive behaviors. In reality, forcing solutions often exacerbates problems, reinforcing feelings of powerlessness. Recovery requires surrendering the illusion of control and embracing vulnerability as a strength.

"I work best alone"

The myth of self-sufficiency is encapsulated in the statement, “I work best alone” (Carnes, 2015, p. 125). This lie isolates addicts from the connections they need to heal. Sexual addiction thrives in loneliness, and recovery demands the opposite—community and support. Group programs like SABR provide a space for shared experiences, fostering empathy, accountability, and hope. Overcoming this belief involves recognizing the value of collaboration and shared healing.

"No one is hurt by what I have done"

Minimization is another common form of denial. Carnes highlights the falsehood, “No one is hurt by what I have done” (Carnes, 2015, p. 125). This lie ignores the emotional, relational, and sometimes financial harm caused by addictive behaviors. Accepting the impact of one’s actions is a pivotal step in recovery. It allows individuals to take responsibility and work toward rebuilding trust with those affected.

"I have not been hurt by what I have done"

Finally, sex addicts often deceive themselves with the belief that, “I have not been hurt by what I have done” (Carnes, 2015, p. 125). This denial of self-harm masks the physical, emotional, and psychological toll of addiction. Addicts may downplay their feelings of shame, guilt, or despair, making it difficult to seek help. Recovery involves facing these realities and allowing space for healing and self-compassion.

Conclusion

The lies that sex addicts tell themselves serve to maintain denial and delay recovery. By identifying these falsehoods, individuals can begin to dismantle the barriers that keep them trapped in addiction. Programs like SABR offer the tools and support necessary to confront these lies, enabling individuals to embrace truth, accountability, and healing.

Family Strategies Counseling Center has actively serviced clients since 2000 in treatment for pornography addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Our SABR program for adults and Valor Groups for young men can help you! Give us a call at (800) 614-8142 or visit our website for more information: Family Strategies Counseling Center.

References

Carnes, P. (2015). Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery (3rd ed.). Gentle Path Press.