Sexual addiction can devastate an individual's life and relationships, leaving deep emotional wounds that require intentional healing. For men, recovering from sexual addiction is not just about abstaining from destructive behaviors but also about healing long-standing emotional deficits. Greg Miller, speaking at the 2024 AACC convention, emphasized the role of unmet emotional desires in both the development and the recovery from sexual addiction. According to Miller, “We heal our way to a new core belief” (Laaser & Miller, 2024). This article will explore the essential emotional desires that must be addressed for recovery and how healing these wounds can lead to a healthier core belief system.

Unmet Desires and Emotional Abandonment Wounds

Emotional abandonment wounds are central to the development of sexual addiction. These wounds arise when critical emotional desires go unmet, often from childhood. Miller explained, “The lack of these desires creates emotional abandonment wounds—hard to identify. You don’t know what you missed if you never had it” (Laaser & Miller, 2024). This unawareness can lead to distorted core beliefs, which are self-perceptions and worldviews shaped by emotional neglect. Without recognizing what they lacked, men may enter adulthood with a profound sense of emotional emptiness, attempting to fill this void through addictive behaviors.

The seven core emotional desires Miller outlined include:

1. To be heard and understood: Everyone has a fundamental need to feel that their thoughts and emotions matter. When men feel unheard, it can foster isolation and self-doubt.
2. To be affirmed: Affirmation validates a person’s worth, and the lack of it can lead to feelings of inadequacy.
3. To be blessed: Blessing involves receiving approval and encouragement, helping to form a sense of confidence and direction.
4. To be safe: Safety is both physical and emotional, creating a foundation of trust.
5. To be touched (in non-sexual ways): Non-sexual touch is a powerful way to communicate love and security.
6. To be chosen: This desire speaks to exclusivity in relationships, signaling that one is prioritized and valued.
7. To be included: Inclusion brings a sense of belonging, which is critical for healthy identity development.

When these desires are left unmet, individuals form distorted beliefs about themselves and their worth. As Miller noted, “We create distorted core beliefs when desires are unfulfilled. Distorted core beliefs are painful and lead to coping, or unhealthy solutions” (Laaser & Miller, 2024). Sexual addiction often becomes one such unhealthy solution, a way to numb the pain of unmet emotional needs.

The Impact of Unmet Desires on Relationships

Unmet desires don’t just impact an individual's internal life—they carry over into relationships. Miller explained, “When we don’t explore our past, we take the pain of unmet desires into our relationships and hope for their fulfillment there” (Laaser & Miller, 2024). This dynamic is particularly problematic in marriages, where unrealistic expectations can lead to frustration and further emotional pain. The hope that a partner will meet every unmet emotional need often sets the stage for disappointment. Miller describes this as “When we marry, we hand an invisible list of these desires to our spouse, and our expectation is for him/her to fulfill all the desires—and take care of the deficit too” (Laaser & Miller, 2024).

When a man is unaware of his emotional deficits, he may unknowingly burden his partner with the responsibility of fulfilling unmet childhood needs. This can create unrealistic demands and strain the relationship, especially when those needs are not communicated openly. Moreover, if these desires continue to go unaddressed, it can perpetuate the cycle of addiction as the individual seeks out alternative means, such as pornography or sexual encounters, to cope with his unresolved pain.

Healing by Addressing Core Beliefs

True recovery from sexual addiction requires healing at the core emotional level. According to Miller, the healing process involves recognizing and addressing these unmet desires, thereby forming new, healthier core beliefs. He stated, “We heal our way to a new core belief” (Laaser & Miller, 2024). This shift allows men to break free from the distorted beliefs that have fueled their addiction and form healthier expectations for themselves and their relationships.

Therapists working with men recovering from sexual addiction often focus on helping clients identify these emotional wounds and address them within a therapeutic framework. This can involve individual counseling, group therapy, and even couples counseling to support both the addict and their partner. Programs such as SABR (Sexual Addiction Betrayal Recovery) provide structured support that addresses these emotional deficits, allowing men to reconnect with their core desires in a healthy and constructive way.

Conclusion

Recovering from sexual addiction is not merely a process of behavioral change but an emotional and psychological journey toward healing unmet desires and forming healthier core beliefs. By identifying and addressing emotional abandonment wounds, men can break free from the distorted core beliefs that perpetuate addictive behaviors. As Greg Miller emphasized, “We heal our way to a new core belief” (Laaser & Miller, 2024), offering hope for lasting recovery and the opportunity to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Family Strategies Counseling Center has actively serviced clients since 2000 in treatment for pornography addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Our SABR program for adults and Valor Groups for young men can help you! Give us a call at (800) 614-8142 or visit our website for more information: Family Strategies Counseling Center.

References

Laaser, D., & Miller, G. (2024, October). Seven Desires - Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us. Stand Strong - Mega National Christian Counseling Conference 2024. Dallas; Texas.