Boundaries play a crucial role in a child’s development, shaping their ability to form healthy relationships and maintain emotional balance. However, when boundaries are inconsistently applied—fluctuating between loose and rigid—they create confusion and instability. This lack of consistency can leave children ill-equipped to set and maintain appropriate boundaries in adulthood, often leading to difficulties in personal and professional relationships.

The Duality of Loose and Rigid Boundaries

Children raised in environments where boundaries shift unpredictably often experience a blend of loose and rigid structures. Patrick Carnes explains, "It’s not unusual for the same child to experience both loose and rigid boundaries" (Carnes, Delmonico, & Griffin, 2001, p. 98). For example, a parent may impose strict curfews but fail to enforce consequences for inappropriate behavior. Such contradictions create an unclear framework for children, leaving them unsure of what is acceptable or expected.

This inconsistency also manifests in subtle forms of emotional neglect or abuse. Carnes illustrates this with an example of favoritism: "Children may experience abuse in subtle and indirect ways: 'Well, we just don't expect you to be as good as your brother, because your brother is just good at everything he does. He's just naturally smarter than you are'" (Carnes et al., 2001, p. 98). These messages undermine a child’s self-worth, fostering insecurity and resentment that can persist into adulthood.

The Long-Term Impact of Inconsistent Boundaries

When boundaries are inconsistently applied, children struggle to develop a clear understanding of relational norms. As Carnes observes, "Many adults who are struggling in their relationships grew up in families in which boundaries were either regularly violated or inconsistently set" (Carnes et al., 2001, p. 98). This instability often leaves individuals unable to identify or enforce personal boundaries, leading to cycles of unhealthy or imbalanced relationships.

For these adults, the lack of a consistent model during childhood complicates their efforts to build and maintain meaningful connections. Carnes emphasizes, "It is hard for adults to set boundaries and build healthy relationships when an appropriate model was never provided" (Carnes et al., 2001, p. 98). Without this guidance, individuals may fall into patterns of either overextending themselves to please others or withdrawing completely to protect themselves from perceived vulnerability.

Breaking the Cycle of Inconsistent Boundaries

The effects of inconsistent boundaries can be addressed through education and therapeutic intervention. Programs like SABR (Sexual Addiction Behavioral Recovery) offer structured support to help individuals recognize and heal from these childhood experiences. By identifying the root causes of their relational struggles, participants learn to establish clear and consistent boundaries, fostering healthier and more balanced relationships.

Therapeutic approaches also emphasize the importance of self-awareness and self-compassion in breaking the cycle of inconsistency. Learning to validate one’s own feelings and needs provides a foundation for setting appropriate limits and communicating effectively with others.

Conclusion

Inconsistent boundaries during childhood create confusion and instability that can hinder a person’s ability to build healthy relationships later in life. By addressing these challenges and developing a clearer understanding of personal and relational boundaries, individuals can overcome the lasting effects of their early experiences. With the right tools and support, it is possible to break free from the cycle of inconsistency and cultivate meaningful connections.

Family Strategies Counseling Center has actively serviced clients since 2000 in treatment for pornography addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Our SABR program for adults, and Valor groups for young men can help you! Give us a call at (800) 614-8142 or visit our website for more information: Family Strategies Counseling Center.

References

Carnes, P., Delmonico, D., & Griffin, E. (2001). In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior. Hazelden.