Betrayal in intimate relationships creates deep emotional wounds, often leading to profound disconnection between partners. One such response to intimate betrayal is intimacy anorexia—a condition that restricts the development of emotional, physical, and spiritual closeness in a relationship. Understanding the dynamics of intimacy anorexia, its causes, and its impact is crucial for fostering healing and reconciliation in affected relationships.

What Is Intimacy Anorexia?
Intimacy anorexia manifests as a deliberate withholding of intimacy, often as a subconscious response to emotional pain or relational trauma. White and Milne (2017) describe this condition as, “Intimacy anorexia restricts the free flow of intimacy much the way food anorexia restricts the intake of food” (p. 74). This analogy highlights the depth of emotional starvation experienced by both partners in the relationship, as intimacy becomes restricted, controlled, or avoided.

Moreover, intimacy anorexia is not confined to one partner. If either or both partners “put up barriers, avoid, or withhold nurturing the relationship, intimacy anorexia can develop” (White & Milne, 2017, p. 74). This dynamic creates a cycle of emotional distance, wherein both partners may struggle to feel seen, valued, or connected.

The Role of Pornography in Intimacy Anorexia
Pornography addiction is a significant contributor to intimacy anorexia, particularly among men. As White and Milne (2017) explain, “A pornography addiction is a common cause of intimacy anorexia, especially for men. It is important to note, however, that the addict is not the only one prone to intimacy anorexia. Recent studies have shown that 30 percent of women whose husbands are porn addicts suffer from intimacy anorexia” (p. 74). The addiction’s impact on marital dynamics often leads to a breakdown in trust and emotional closeness, further perpetuating intimacy anorexia.

In addition to the addicted partner, the betrayed spouse can also develop intimacy anorexic tendencies. According to White and Milne (2017), “Because of the traumatic nature of the husband using pornography, women can develop intimacy anorexic tendencies too, and they begin withholding their love and attention from their husband in order to protect themselves from emotional pain or because they resent their husband” (p. 74). This reaction, while protective in nature, exacerbates relational difficulties, creating barriers to healing and reconciliation.

Breaking the Cycle of Intimacy Anorexia
Addressing intimacy anorexia requires a dual approach that focuses on individual healing and rebuilding the relationship. Therapy and counseling play essential roles in identifying the underlying causes of intimacy anorexia, such as betrayal trauma or unresolved conflict. Programs like the SABR program offered by Family Strategies Counseling Center emphasize healing through education, empathy, and structured therapeutic interventions.

Recovery also involves intentional efforts to restore trust, foster open communication, and rebuild intimacy. Both partners must commit to vulnerability and authenticity, allowing for a renewed connection and shared growth.

Conclusion
Intimacy anorexia is a complex condition often rooted in the emotional fallout of betrayal, such as pornography addiction. Understanding its dynamics and taking intentional steps toward healing can lead to recovery and a renewed relationship. Through therapy and mutual effort, couples can break the cycle of emotional distance and rediscover the closeness they desire.

Family Strategies Counseling Center has actively serviced clients since 2000 in treatment for pornography addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Our SABR program for adults and Valor Groups for young men can help you! Give us a call at (800) 614-8142 or visit our website for more information: Family Strategies Counseling Center.

References
White, C. P., & Milne, N. B. (2017). Love and betrayal: Stories of hope to help you heal from your husband’s pornography addiction. Cedar Fort.