When someone experiences intimate betrayal, whether through infidelity or their partner’s addiction, well-meaning friends and family often attempt to offer support. Unfortunately, the advice they provide can sometimes do more harm than good. Many suggestions stem from myths or misconceptions about betrayal and the emotional toll it takes on the betrayed partner. Here are some of the most common unhealthy suggestions, and why they fail to help someone truly heal from intimate betrayal.

"Shake It Off"

One of the most harmful pieces of advice someone can hear after experiencing betrayal is to simply "shake it off." This suggestion minimizes the deep emotional and psychological impact of the betrayal. Intimate betrayal can feel like an emotional earthquake, shaking the foundation of trust, safety, and connection in a relationship. Telling someone to shake it off disregards the pain, confusion, and sense of loss they feel. Healing from betrayal takes time, and it's essential to honor those emotions, not suppress them.

"Stop Thinking About It"

While well-intentioned, being told to "stop thinking about it" ignores how trauma works. Betrayal can become a consuming mental and emotional experience, causing intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and distress. The hurt partner may find it difficult, if not impossible, to stop thinking about what happened because their brain is trying to process the pain and make sense of it. Rather than avoiding these feelings, it's important to seek professional help or therapy to work through them in a healthy way. Healing doesn't come from avoiding pain—it comes from addressing it head-on.

"Boys Will Be Boys"

The phrase "boys will be boys" is another harmful myth used to justify inappropriate behavior. It implies that men are naturally prone to cheating or acting out sexually, and therefore, betrayal should be accepted as a normal part of life. This mindset not only disrespects men by assuming they can't control their impulses but also places the responsibility for their behavior on the betrayed partner. Betrayal is never something that should be excused or normalized, regardless of gender. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and accountability, not on harmful gender stereotypes.

"You're Codependent"

The label of "codependent" is often thrown at those who express pain or concern after being betrayed. It implies that their emotional reaction stems from unhealthy dependency on their partner, rather than from the legitimate pain caused by the betrayal itself. While some people may struggle with codependency, accusing someone of it after intimate betrayal can be dismissive and insulting. It shifts the focus away from the person who caused the harm and places it on the betrayed partner, suggesting that their pain is somehow their own fault. Healing from betrayal requires understanding and compassion, not blame.

"You Worry Too Much"

Another harmful suggestion is the idea that the betrayed partner is simply worrying too much. This dismisses their legitimate fears and feelings, making it seem like they are overreacting. Betrayal naturally creates a sense of uncertainty, and it's normal for the betrayed partner to worry about the future of the relationship, whether they can trust their partner again, or whether further betrayals will occur. Minimizing these concerns only adds to their emotional burden. Instead of dismissing the worry, the focus should be on rebuilding trust and addressing the root cause of the betrayal.

"You Need to Give Him More Sex"

Perhaps one of the most damaging myths is the belief that the betrayed partner can fix the problem by giving their partner more sex. This suggestion is deeply problematic, as it shifts responsibility for the betrayal onto the betrayed spouse. Intimate betrayal is never about a lack of sex; it's about the choices the betraying partner made. Suggesting that more sex will solve the issue ignores the emotional, psychological, and relational damage caused by the betrayal. Recovery from betrayal requires emotional healing, accountability, and often professional help—not a change in sexual behavior.

Conclusion

Myths about intimate betrayal, while often spread with good intentions, can prolong the healing process and prevent true recovery. The suggestions to "shake it off," "stop thinking about it," or that "boys will be boys" minimize the impact of betrayal and avoid addressing the real issues. Blaming the betrayed partner by calling them "codependent," dismissing their fears, or implying that they need to give more sex only adds to their emotional burden. True healing comes from addressing the betrayal with compassion, honesty, and professional guidance.

Family Strategies Counseling Center has actively serviced clients since 2000 in treatment for pornography addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Our SABR program for adults and Valor Groups for young men can help you! Give us a call at (800) 614-8142 or visit our website for more information: Family Strategies Counseling Center.