Intimate betrayal, such as infidelity or hidden addiction, can leave deep emotional scars on relationships. One of the most challenging aspects of recovery is the process of disclosure—revealing the secrets that have contributed to the betrayal. The path to healing often begins with honesty, but as noted by Schneider and Corley (2012), disclosure is a nuanced and delicate process that can yield both healing and hurt.

The Weight of Unspoken Secrets

Secrets have the power to erode trust in any relationship, but particularly in intimate partnerships. Schneider and Corley (2012) describe the silent, damaging effect of secrecy: “Sometimes secrets are known, but the unspoken (or sometimes even spoken) rule is to pretend they don’t exist. KEEP QUIET, don’t rock the boat, don’t bring attention to the elephant in the living room. Then you don’t have to face the situation” (p. 20).

This tendency to avoid confrontation often stems from fear—fear of hurting a partner, disrupting the relationship, or facing the consequences of one’s actions. However, avoiding disclosure only deepens the chasm of mistrust and prevents true healing.

Shame and Minimization

For both the person who betrayed the relationship and the partner, shame plays a significant role in complicating disclosure. Schneider and Corley (2012) observe, “Partners also minimize the seriousness of the problem when shame is attached to the addictive behavior. This is common when an addict goes to treatment for cocaine and sex addiction” (p. 24).

Minimization creates a barrier to vulnerability and accountability. It can lead to incomplete disclosures or a continued pattern of dishonesty. For the betrayed partner, minimizing the problem may serve as a defense mechanism, a way to avoid confronting the full extent of the damage caused by the addiction or betrayal.

The Turmoil of Finding Out

Discovering a secret, whether through disclosure or accidental discovery, can throw a relationship into chaos. Schneider and Corley (2012) write, “Disclosing a secret sometimes leads to favorable results, but sometimes results in devastating consequences. Finding out someone is keeping secrets throws the relationship into turmoil” (p. 24).

The uncertainty surrounding disclosure can deter individuals from being honest. Yet, without full transparency, a relationship cannot begin to rebuild trust. A well-managed disclosure process—often facilitated by a trained therapist—can help mitigate some of the turmoil by ensuring both partners feel supported and heard.

The Role of Professional Guidance

Disclosure is not a one-time conversation but a process that requires intentionality, sensitivity, and often professional guidance. Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) are trained to help individuals and couples navigate the complexities of disclosure, providing tools to rebuild trust and create a foundation for recovery.

At Family Strategies Counseling Center, our experienced team, including the largest group of CSATs in any single office, is committed to helping couples work through the challenges of disclosure. By fostering an environment of honesty and safety, we empower partners to confront the truth and begin the journey toward healing.

Family Strategies Counseling Center has actively serviced clients since 2000 in treatment for pornography addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Our SABR program for adults and Valor Groups for young men can help you! Give us a call at (800) 614-8142 or visit our website for more information: Family Strategies Counseling Center.

Reference

Schneider, J., & Corley, D. (2012). Surviving Disclosure - A Partner’s Guide for Healing the Betrayal of Intimate Trust. CreateSpace.